Israeli Scholars Find New Evidence That God Blamed Rock for Abel's Death

Israeli scholars and archaeologists have uncovered ancient scrolls containing new information about the first murder, the killing of Abel by his brother Cain. Previously, it was thought that the killing was caused by Cain's outrage that Abel brought a better offering. Instead, we learn that the rock caused Cain to do it.

"'Thou art a good boy, who didn't do nothing,' sayeth the Lord. 'The rock that thou foundest in thy hand compelled you to kill your brother, whom you loved. Since the rock killed thy brother Abel, cursed shall rocks be! Cursed it is above all minerals. It shall lie on its belly and collect dust all its days." 

Studies done by the CDC have shown that homes with rocks in them are two times more likely to be the site of rock crimes than homes without rocks. Historians report that so many people have been killed with rocks, it is impossible to count. Rocks are available to purchase without background checks in all 57 states.